tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22368571656106077232024-02-19T02:17:42.128-05:00My Own Worst Enemy<center>One Woman's Struggle With Depression</center>Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-21348124386605332872011-05-11T21:27:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:39:31.363-04:00Mostly Productive<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUGKn_287BPytfU6Bn7oCjICYlukOTuk0rUS6tt0xcyoCQ2mfc5u5icczMlAQPM7mlM_3pS7v4hZVCQV5AT67ZZE-g1brfhAKFEV1L-eNwg2_8FtI0JvfRPxOA12ktEoyK3aTO6o-z8cc/s1600/1300927_french_stream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUGKn_287BPytfU6Bn7oCjICYlukOTuk0rUS6tt0xcyoCQ2mfc5u5icczMlAQPM7mlM_3pS7v4hZVCQV5AT67ZZE-g1brfhAKFEV1L-eNwg2_8FtI0JvfRPxOA12ktEoyK3aTO6o-z8cc/s1600/1300927_french_stream.jpg" /></a></div>Things have been going well. I'm all set to get my new floors installed the week of May 23rd. It does require some juggling of the animals to make sure the dogs won't be in their way, but it's all planned out and super easy!<br />
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<span style="color: #674ea7;">Mornings haven't been perfect, but they've been much easier than ever</span>. I've been to work on time every day and haven't been stressed out at all. It's been a little slow at work lately, so that's nice. Today was busier and I was feeling pretty tired, but I got through it, thankfully due to my lunch break.<br />
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Because of the new puppy, <span style="color: #674ea7;">I now have scheduled hour long lunches for myself. </span>It's been very calming this week to go home, let the dogs out, make a sandwich, eat on the deck while the dogs enjoy the yard and just take it easy for a bit before going back to work. I think that even after Zoe is fully house trained and able to hold it 8 hours, I'll still come home for lunches. I like how it splits up the day and gives me some quiet time.<br />
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One of my coworkers and I have been trying to set up a doggy play date for a while, and it finally worked out on Sunday. She and her husband have a huge amount of land with trails, hills and streams. I met them there with Zoe and let her run around and play, although she mostly stayed near me since it was all brand new to her. The next day my girlfriend and I took all the dogs there to play and it was so nice to see them all running around. <span style="color: #674ea7;">Just seeing how much they enjoy themselves on these kinds of outings brings a smile to my face. </span><br />
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I<span style="color: #674ea7;">'m actually proud of myself that I followed through on doing the play date with my coworker.</span> I haven't ever hung out with her outside of work, and in the past I sometimes had a hard time crossing that co-worker line. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was never motivated to really go out and do things. I would get invites to things, but often decline because I felt like I wouldn't know anybody or because I thought I wouldn't be interesting enough to hang out with. Also, it always felt so fake to put a smile on my face and socialize. Thankfully it's not fake anymore!<br />
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This weekend coming up is going to be busy. Friday night I'm working the concert, Saturday I have some work and a meeting (as well as any grocery shopping or cleaning that needs to be done), and then Sunday is Zoe's first obedience class and I have a 5 hour shift that night. <span style="color: #674ea7;">Usually I'd look towards a weekend like this and cringe at all the things I have to do, but I'm not feeling that right now</span>. Everything seems manageable. I'm trying to take things one at a time.<br />
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My To-Do list hasn't progressed much since I talked about it earlier. The floors will be done soon, but there's still painting in the bathrooms and hanging the last cabinet. Then I saw these cool kits where you can make your counters and cabinets look totally different without replacing them, and they're reasonably priced! So, that's going on the list of things to do. I still haven't finished putting the edges on my blanket, but with how warm it's been I don't want to work with all that heavy wool!<br />
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So, all in all, it's pretty stable right now, and I'm very thankful for that. I feel bad that I haven't been posting as much lately, but I've been pretty content with how things are going. <span style="color: #674ea7;">Maybe it's a blessing that I don't have more to write about!</span>Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-56583569061803004392011-05-03T17:10:00.000-04:002011-05-03T17:10:21.787-04:00Ho-Hum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyr6HPp9oD_tOXlePsZ4WITx6N2hThKdBf_3H58sAiKERHVAJQmlzwDHwfsot2NMizZCBUSNI-6rk-irMcXkaV-ddOYIvt5rIkcZIkC3zGpF5LIOd6xMwf217jT0CPjWCiKkEyfTqtq0w/s1600/1344295_empty_road.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyr6HPp9oD_tOXlePsZ4WITx6N2hThKdBf_3H58sAiKERHVAJQmlzwDHwfsot2NMizZCBUSNI-6rk-irMcXkaV-ddOYIvt5rIkcZIkC3zGpF5LIOd6xMwf217jT0CPjWCiKkEyfTqtq0w/s1600/1344295_empty_road.jpg" /></a></div>I haven't felt much like writing lately. I don't think it has been because I didn't want to, but because I'm not really sure what to talk about right now.<br />
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I've been keeping busy. Work is going well and I have some volunteer opportunities coming up to interpret concerts and festivals. I was asked to do them by a client who likes my work, so that makes me feel really good. <span style="color: #674ea7;">I haven't seen her in about a year, but it's nice to know she still thinks about me and likes what I do.</span><br />
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The puppy has been an experience. She's still getting house broken, which is getting better and better. She knows that outside is for going potty, but she still hasn't learned that inside is NOT for going potty. She's not as crazy as I thought a puppy would be. She does have her spurts of energy, but she also likes to take it easy. <span style="color: #674ea7;">Cuddling with her always makes me feel good, no matter what is going on.</span> She has had to go to the vet a few times, though, because she's got a lump on her head, which we think is from her clumsiness and her propensity for bonking her head on things (she doesn't know how big she really is!)<br />
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Grandpa got out of the hospital today. I didn't get to visit him as much as I wanted to. Some evenings I got out of work late (and he goes to sleep early) and other evenings I had commitments to keep, like taking care of the animals, going to the vet, bridal shower, etc, etc. He goes home today, but I still won't be able to get there at a decent time before he starts getting settled in for the night. <span style="color: #674ea7;">I feel guilty</span>, even though he knows I've been calling and asking about him, having my mom pass along my apologies for not being able to be there.<br />
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I've been making some efforts at home to get some projects going. I stopped by Lowes and got their credit card so I can redo my floors. The guy came out and took measurements last night. This weekend I'll pick out the materials and pay for them to install them. Then, in 2-3 weeks I'll have all the pet-stained carpets ripped up and nice new laminate flooring in it's place!<br />
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I saw my therapist for the last time two Saturdays ago. I didn't tell her outright that I was planning on finding another therapist. I just told her that I didn't have my work schedule yet. (Just a small fib.) I played phone tag for a while with one therapist, who doesn't seem to be able to do evening/weekend appointments, but I did just schedule with a new therapist who has an opening for me every other Tuesday night. I can't see her until the 17th, but at least I've got someone else to try!<br />
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In the meantime, I'm going to try going to a few Al-anon meetings. Growing up with an alcoholic father is sure to have messed me up a bit. <span style="color: #674ea7;">I'm not sure what to expect of the meetings, but I'll try it out. Maybe I'll relate a lot with the other people there. Maybe I'll discover certain things about why I am who I am.</span><br />
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On a final note, I think that no matter what medications I'm on, I'm screwed once a month. Even though I've been feeling pretty good, when I get hormonal, I get bitchy. The other day I was upset at everything! On a day like that, I just feel like venting and letting it all out. However, I don't think my girlfriend saw it that way, so it did lead to a bit of an argument. From now on, though, I'm warning everyone in my life - <span style="color: #674ea7;">If around the end of the month I start getting upset and irrational, just listen to me and nod in sympathy. I'm sure I'm not making sense or being logical in my emotions. Just give me chocolate and hugs and ride out the storm. =)</span>Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-41916778548285154042011-04-29T06:00:00.003-04:002011-04-29T06:00:12.560-04:00Priorities<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh11_tROLM0FNtoab7Vpv1T_onhkwA0RhgqhZ1IwRNj21fxviFP_MlsrOTx1TEdvlEyvlU99auSwvDP7Uz-WLoQobt2rwHKUafA_44NkG1-3gB9mB0Q3ogmZl6_3jV8LSj5GORBdPmVcU0/s1600/998524_tranquility_4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh11_tROLM0FNtoab7Vpv1T_onhkwA0RhgqhZ1IwRNj21fxviFP_MlsrOTx1TEdvlEyvlU99auSwvDP7Uz-WLoQobt2rwHKUafA_44NkG1-3gB9mB0Q3ogmZl6_3jV8LSj5GORBdPmVcU0/s1600/998524_tranquility_4.jpg" /></a>The last week and half has been hectic, dealing with the new pups and everything that goes along with that. During that time, I stopped putting myself first and went back to old habits - eating crappy food, not sleeping enough, not taking the time to put on makeup, etc.<br />
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So, I'm trying to find a balance. How do I deal with taking care of others but still make sure to take care of myself and the things I need to do, like go grocery shopping and doing my laundry?<br />
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To make matters worse, my grandfather had a heart attack yesterday. Even though my mom said everything was fine and not to panic, I still ran out of work the moment I heard and went to the hospital. Two hours off my paycheck isn't much, but I could definitely use that money. Plus, I'm sure the dinner at the hospital cafeteria wasn't the best for me, and the Pop Tarts I scarfed for lunch weren't exactly diet friendly.<br />
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Point is, I need to figure out how to balance my own needs with the needs of others. I know that I should be the top priority in my life, but I always put it at the bottom of the list when things get stressful.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-51311121499586972242011-04-26T06:00:00.004-04:002011-04-26T06:00:04.799-04:00Caring for Others<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIu_6CFmvUo20gM7ezyQOiwbvUpTWmUbe3NYM_b4IcUZS02emfk4qZO7GrVhKCxg1Y22DvmkEAhxZ9uTcie7GHLoZ0E_n8ZBUaH20EUWJ9Yd6ckHweHMzZwGGNpu73QclFWyMeGcaU1FE/s1600/208748_1933797778944_1062295965_2292853_6689222_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIu_6CFmvUo20gM7ezyQOiwbvUpTWmUbe3NYM_b4IcUZS02emfk4qZO7GrVhKCxg1Y22DvmkEAhxZ9uTcie7GHLoZ0E_n8ZBUaH20EUWJ9Yd6ckHweHMzZwGGNpu73QclFWyMeGcaU1FE/s1600/208748_1933797778944_1062295965_2292853_6689222_n.jpg" /></a>My girlfriend does foster work with dogs and last week we were presented with the opportunity to foster 3 Great Dane puppies. I've always wanted a Great Dane, but I wasn't sure if we could handle 3 of them, along with the rest of the menagerie we already have. I wanted to do it, though, so they were dropped off on Monday night of last week.<br />
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What a challenge! Three 40lb dogs that aren't house broken, crate trained or socialized takes a lot of work! If I had taken on this task before, I would have easily been overwhelmed. However, even though there was a lot of things that weren't pleasant to do, I found that I wasn't annoyed or angry to do them. They are just puppies and they don't know any better. They don't understand what's going on.<br />
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So, instead of getting upset at all the work - cleaning up the accidents, long hours spent out in the cold and rain waiting for them to go to the bathroom, or being woken in the middle of the night by barking and sleeping on the couch near them so they would go to sleep - I went about my tasks with a mostly positive attitude. I could have gotten annoyed and yelled at them, but that wouldn't have done any of us any good.<br />
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In general, I find that I'm not as worried about myself and my depression when I have my sights set on helping others. It's a great feeling to know you're making a difference to someone, while maybe making a difference to yourself, too.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-9482615446026457972011-04-20T06:00:00.003-04:002011-04-20T06:00:01.248-04:00Music and Mood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVTBfouK3PIOsDQqDejNB8qBxzZJthT9En7IFTGTZjdZ7wJeHZLtQAEoSbo2aJOj8Kq_rJzjGDSDnCtNjop5xoMfjUazLAaSEfTvGBnLL1wtD7a36wz1RhNMKERDvGqIU2Hip1Oz7FkV0/s1600/1287077_headphone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVTBfouK3PIOsDQqDejNB8qBxzZJthT9En7IFTGTZjdZ7wJeHZLtQAEoSbo2aJOj8Kq_rJzjGDSDnCtNjop5xoMfjUazLAaSEfTvGBnLL1wtD7a36wz1RhNMKERDvGqIU2Hip1Oz7FkV0/s1600/1287077_headphone.jpg" /></a></div>It's a well known fact that music can impact our mood. Some songs make us want to cry and others make us want to dance.<br />
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When dealing with depression, it's important to surround ourselves with positive things. However, if we like darker, melancholy music, that can perpetuate the feelings we're having. Or, if there are songs that you used to turn to when you were down, listening to those songs can bring you back into the mood you were originally in when you resonated with that song.<br />
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For example, I love Evanescence. They're described as a goth rock/metal band. The lead singer's voice is soft, haunting and, if I could see the music, I would say that her voice and lyrics are like a ray of light piercing through prickly darkness. I would put certain songs on repeat, listening to them so many times that there was probably a permanently etched ring in the CD. Other singers/bands like Sarah McLachlan, Linkin Park, and more, drew me to them because it felt like they knew what I was feeling.<br />
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Lyrics like the following would reach down into my soul and pull out the pain that I was feeling, and I would sing along at the top of my lungs to try and expel them from my body:<br />
<ul><li> "Bring me back to life," - Evanescence</li>
<li>"I'm dying again, I'm going under...I'm falling forever," - Evanescence</li>
<li>"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase," - Evanescence</li>
<li>"Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark," - Linkin Park</li>
<li>"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal," - Linkin Park</li>
<li>"I'm a train wreck waiting to happen, waiting for someone to pick me up off the tracks" - Sarah McLachlan</li>
</ul>It was cathartic to listen and connect to these songs, but they only served to perpetuate the feelings. If I was in a decent mood and one of the songs came on, it would just bring me back to that dark place.<br />
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Some part of me knew that I needed a change. While changing radio stations I'd hear the upbeat pop tunes and thought they were so fake. However, they had catchy lyrics and tunes. So, over time, I started listening to more and more Top 40s and less of the dark rock that had been my staple for so long. Now, the lyrics that get stuck in my head are much more positive and the music makes me want to get up and do things instead of lying in bed and letting my emotions circle the drain.<br />
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Some of my favorite lines from recent and current hits are:<br />
<ul><li>"You are beautiful, in every single way," - Christina Aguilera</li>
<li>"Baby, you're a firework, go on let your colors burst" - Katy Perry</li>
<li>"I'm beautiful in my way...I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way" - Lady Gaga</li>
<li>"With you right here, I'm a rocketeer, let's fly" - Far East Movement</li>
<li>"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, 'cause you're amazing, just the way you are" - Bruno Mars</li>
<li>"Gotta live like we're dying" - Kris Allen</li>
</ul>I gotta say - I'm a lot happier when I listen to my music these days!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-48043361319311085872011-04-19T06:00:00.011-04:002011-04-19T06:00:02.683-04:00Losing Momentum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9IKGoimhUmeduAFn1a7rvisG9HaGwZklTm0hg-UFHf6IlO-nstK07d2AqLYbCH3jpsFzY7BoG-VDweYhKGvBvVzKSpIEDNQz9l6nTrBuJOfMnIqU8iVchkyKp8zqwTBFc_jDbUyjhsg/s1600/21338_cobblestones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9IKGoimhUmeduAFn1a7rvisG9HaGwZklTm0hg-UFHf6IlO-nstK07d2AqLYbCH3jpsFzY7BoG-VDweYhKGvBvVzKSpIEDNQz9l6nTrBuJOfMnIqU8iVchkyKp8zqwTBFc_jDbUyjhsg/s1600/21338_cobblestones.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #674ea7;">This week I feel like I'm starting to lose ground, that I'm walking in stilettos on a cobblestone road.</span> I'm still upright, but things are shaky.<br />
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I haven't been as productive as I was last week. Maybe I wore myself out? I've still been pretty good at getting home and taking the dogs for a walk, but I've spent a little more time in front of the TV than I'd like, and I haven't touched the bathroom project again.<br />
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There was one day where I could not get going. I didn't follow any of my back-up plans - reading my letter, or jumping in the shower and then deciding what to do with my day. Instead, I hit snooze and ignored life.<br />
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I feel like I had a month of sobriety and then I just took a drink; <span style="color: #674ea7;">I'm back to square one.<a name='more'></a></span><br />
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But, I need to not think that way. I'm not back at the beginning. It was just a little stumble; I've pulled myself back up again and brushed myself off. My knee might be scraped up a bit, so I'm moving a little slower than usual, but I'm at least going!<br />
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My girlfriend did a great thing for me. She printed out a little letter of her own and posted it next to the bathroom mirror. It says all sorts of great things like <span style="color: #674ea7;">"Do today is do something positive for yourself or others, even if that's just getting out of bed."</span> When I walked into the bathroom one morning and found that letter, I knew that it was worth it to keep going.<br />
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I'm actually contemplating etching something into my mirror, something like "You Are Beautiful" or "Participate in Life." I have two mirrors, side by side, so I could put one on each. Once I find the right words to put up there, I'll see everyday what I have to look forward to.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-65732610434702094862011-04-18T06:00:00.002-04:002011-04-18T06:00:05.564-04:00Living Alone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm2WZhUGRtkIV4V1pB3CksqHeBZJrrrhG-GKGO9gc9xWarX6hlK8VgqVqeRN79Z3CZXHCE2o6p7AAV_e6ZJ5ddu6nI4eidHQG2wAuj8DckjuvWMur4Xj0gX6EXqsz1SHVlismgDsKdrjw/s1600/594218_sq_tunneltlight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm2WZhUGRtkIV4V1pB3CksqHeBZJrrrhG-GKGO9gc9xWarX6hlK8VgqVqeRN79Z3CZXHCE2o6p7AAV_e6ZJ5ddu6nI4eidHQG2wAuj8DckjuvWMur4Xj0gX6EXqsz1SHVlismgDsKdrjw/s1600/594218_sq_tunneltlight.jpg" /></a></div>It's been years since I've had my house all to myself. After my divorce, I was alone for a while but then brought on a roommate who mostly kept to his bedroom. He ended up moving out of state and then a bit later my then-boyfriend moved in. While we were together, we got a third roommate, who then left after graduating college. When we broke up, he still needed a place to live, so he stayed on but with his own bedroom. A year or so ago, a friend of ours needed a new place to stay, so he rented one of the bedrooms. This past fall, though, I asked him to move out so that my girlfriend could move in.<br />
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So, if you couldn't follow all of that back and forth, <span style="color: #674ea7;">suffice it to say I haven't lived alone for more than a year, and it wasn't all in one continuous stretch.<a name='more'></a></span><br />
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Currently the ex still lives with me and my girlfriend, and he's looking to move out this summer. I was looking forward to making the place into a home for just the two of us after he was gone. However, things are probably not going to happen exactly the way I thought.<br />
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My girlfriend is finishing up her first year of grad school this spring. Since August, she has been commuting 1.25 hours each way and spending 99% of her time on school, school work, working from home or sleeping. Next year is rumored to be even more hellish than this one and there will be a large shadowing component where she'll need to be visiting schools. Therefore, it's going to make more sense for her to move closer to school.<br />
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So, I'm suddenly faced with the very real possibility that I will be living alone in a few months. <span style="color: #674ea7;">Part of me is excited, but part of me is terrified!</span><br />
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Pros:<br />
<ul><li>Privacy</li>
<li>No cleaning up after others</li>
<li>Turn the music/tv up as loud as I want</li>
<li>Decorate however I want</li>
<li>No fighting for the shower/bathroom</li>
<li>No car shuffling in the driveway</li>
<li>Other people's alarms won't wake me up</li>
<li>No waiting for other people's laundry to be finished</li>
<li>Dishwasher will be run much less</li>
<li>No fighting over what's on the TV or DVR</li>
<li>I can spread out into other bedrooms to make space for doing hobbies</li>
<li>More closet space, refrigerator space and cupboard space!</li>
</ul>Cons:<br />
<ul><li>Nobody to hang out with</li>
<li>Nobody to share chores with</li>
<li>Nobody to help with heavy lifting or large jobs</li>
<li>Nobody to watch the pets if I have a long day at work</li>
<li>Nobody to witness if I'm sliding back into old habits</li>
<li>Nobody to cheer me up when I'm down</li>
<li>Nobody to coddle me when I am sick</li>
</ul>I guess when I lay it all out like that, it doesn't seem too bad. I can always call people up to hang out with them or have family/friends come over to help with heavy lifting or projects. I'll talk with my girlfriend every day of the week and see her on weekends, and my family lives close enough that they could help me if I really needed some urgent help. <br />
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It probably all boils down to fear of change. If I take it one thing at a time, it won't seem so scary or overwhelming. I'll hold my breath and jump in. Let's hope the water is warm!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-51351409342624194942011-04-15T06:00:00.002-04:002011-04-15T14:19:26.935-04:00Therapy - What Do I Need?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLmDy57QeRElLT4z87EKy0xyJNmRbrw_LWHOTrpM8Dw3jI2878FnPpfwWCXeVmmFnE3C1_5SepNaNvNTwx3j9Cq0mNOhnnBs8TqmWbbk5p-_daImXKJD1Y-6xlxVHqTTZKhejdOmDCCzM/s1600/1181213_chair_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLmDy57QeRElLT4z87EKy0xyJNmRbrw_LWHOTrpM8Dw3jI2878FnPpfwWCXeVmmFnE3C1_5SepNaNvNTwx3j9Cq0mNOhnnBs8TqmWbbk5p-_daImXKJD1Y-6xlxVHqTTZKhejdOmDCCzM/s1600/1181213_chair_.jpg" /></a></div>Over the past few years I've been to two different therapists. I stared seeing each of them while I was deep down in my depression. Once they saw that I was happier and less stressed out, they started saying things like "I think we can go longer in between sessions," or "Do you think you still need to see me?"<br />
<br />
I'm still not sure, though, that I've really tackled the issues that contribute to my depression. Even though I'm currently feeling better about myself, my tendency towards self hatred implies that I need to work on my self-image and self-worth. I still get into situations where I take on more than I should, either because I feel like I can't say "No" or because I genuinely think that I can handle it (but then it turns out I can't.) Plus, I'm sure that I've got some codependency issues floating around in the mix.<br />
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My current therapist thinks that my self-hatred issues can be resolved by reading a book and doing the exercises in the workbook. In the back of my mind, though, I have to wonder - Isn't that what I'm here for? Last session I told her about some of the great ideas I've been talking about on the blog - thanking yourself, making a "brag book" with all the different "kudos" I've gotten, etc. She thought they were all wonderful ideas and even wrote a few down for her to suggest to other patients. But still, we haven't really looked at why I don't like myself <br />
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I guess I'm going to have to get aggressive. The thought of looking for a new therapist is daunting. First, I'll try to talk with the current one and tell her that I need some more help and that I'd rather do the work with her instead of reading the book. Hell, I don't care if she tells me to do the same thing the book does. I would just rather do it with someone and have someone personally challenge me. When a book asks you personal questions, you can just move on without answering. Having a person ask those questions means you really have to think about it and answer it!<br />
<br />
If I feel that she still can't challenge me enough and get me out of my comfort zone, I'm going to have to move on and look for another therapist. Here's to hoping that I can get things back on track with this one!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-25288544571179782542011-04-14T06:00:00.070-04:002011-04-14T06:00:13.218-04:00The Problem With Anti Depressants<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV1nRwWB8uZk9KmKbz6fk-8XfF7OT3EsF2OehJmMvPsTcQbfFHDUc72-q6Ul50zcZMdvm9u3HFg1AlsRcwSzCj6a52WJnnfDpRwc7IaQYBT3F-yyB8MJZsycaBybrzO_g9-P5W6BxWz4o/s1600/308401_falling_off_a_cliff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV1nRwWB8uZk9KmKbz6fk-8XfF7OT3EsF2OehJmMvPsTcQbfFHDUc72-q6Ul50zcZMdvm9u3HFg1AlsRcwSzCj6a52WJnnfDpRwc7IaQYBT3F-yyB8MJZsycaBybrzO_g9-P5W6BxWz4o/s1600/308401_falling_off_a_cliff.jpg" /></a></div>I have struggled a lot over the years to find the right mixture of anti depressants that will help me get up off the floor. I would take one and think that it was a great improvement, only to realize later that it was only helping me sit up. <span style="color: #674ea7;">After a year of thinking that was as good as it was gonna get, I'd get tired of still having symptoms and go back to the doctor</span>. Eventually, I advanced to crawling, and a bit of walking. However, a small stumble would bring me flat down on my face and it took a long time to brush myself off and get back up again.<br />
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I'd like to think that right now I'm at the waking stage again, in heels, even, and I'm doing pretty good. There might be a little wobble here and there, but I haven't rolled my ankle yet. <span style="color: black;">Then again, I'm not running any marathons, either.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;">One of the big problems is that I could never tell just how well I was doing.</span> How can you expect someone who's been sitting on the floor what it will feel to crawl or walk, especially if they haven't had that experience in ages? They've forgotten what that feels like, so they're thinking that they're better off than lying down on the floor. That's where I was for a while; <span style="color: #674ea7;">I didn't know that there was more room to improve.</span> I was just happy with where I was.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">I think the main factor in knowing where you are is to ask the people around you.</span> </span>It took a metaphorical bucket of cold water being poured over my head before the message finally got through to me that I still had a long way to go. It was overwhelming and terrifying. It felt like learning to walk all over again.<br />
<br />
Not only is it hard to realize just how bad things are when you're in the midst of them, then you have to take into account how the doctors are practically grasping at strings to find the right medication for you. I've tried Celexa, Paxil, Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin and Deplin. The doctors have tried upping dosages, combining medications and switching medications altogether.<br />
<br />
Then, if you look at the research, there's a huge debate on how well these drugs actually work. There's a lot of different numbers out there, but <span style="color: #674ea7;">basically the efficacy rates of antidepressants is pretty low and the chance of relapsing is pretty high.</span> Oh, and let's not mention that sometimes a side effect of a new medication could be suicidal ideations.<br />
<br />
I gotta say, it's not very uplifting to hear that kind of stuff, especially since I'm a "glass half empty" kind of person. However, I've had success. <span style="background-color: #674ea7;">I have to just keep thinking positively</span> that my medications will continue to help, and if they don't, I've got a psychiatrist who can help!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-17544129138679525022011-04-13T06:00:00.007-04:002011-04-13T06:00:11.748-04:00So Much to Do!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrES9rkofUJmKl7KPuH6nUX0BOm8zJBWj83o33J5Mh18AnQ35mgyZ8l246tzL2w5PWEgBUmvoNd1L01ADZgcVAWMDodRWMtuzfGBpKVAZ0D3029uT3dBdkWGEUu5vZwMKxZhA8xjLAD6A/s1600/134049_to_do_list____or_not_to_do-lis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrES9rkofUJmKl7KPuH6nUX0BOm8zJBWj83o33J5Mh18AnQ35mgyZ8l246tzL2w5PWEgBUmvoNd1L01ADZgcVAWMDodRWMtuzfGBpKVAZ0D3029uT3dBdkWGEUu5vZwMKxZhA8xjLAD6A/s1600/134049_to_do_list____or_not_to_do-lis.jpg" /></a>Over the past years I've started and stopped multiple projects, put things on the back burner and just generally procrastinated about a lot of things due to my depression. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I want to tackle all of these things, but it's a lot of work!!<br />
<br />
Here are some things that I need to do around the house:<br />
<ul><li>Patch up the pothole in the driveway</li>
<li>Repair/replace the roof</li>
<li>Get the nasty rugs pulled up and replace, preferably with laminate</li>
<li>Replace damaged linoleum in kitchen </li>
<li>Sand and repaint the deck<a name='more'></a></li>
</ul>Here are things that I want to do:<br />
<ul><li> Paint the bathrooms</li>
<li>Organize the garage</li>
<li>Finish my knitted blanket</li>
<li>Finish the knitted blanket for my niece</li>
<li>Use the pattern that I got a few Christmases ago and knit my new knitting bag so that everything isn't scattered around in a million small plastic bags</li>
<li>Finish the mittens I promised to a coworker </li>
<li>Lean French sign language</li>
<li>Take a trip to Moscow to visit a dear friend</li>
<li>Clean out the closets</li>
<li>Start playing my musical instruments again</li>
<li>Join a community band/orchestra</li>
<li>Join a community chorus</li>
<li>Attend weekly Buddhist practice and talks</li>
<li>Take my dog to an agility class</li>
<li>Hike every day</li>
<li>Meditate every day</li>
<li>Lose weight (20 lbs so far!)</li>
<li>and the list goes on.</li>
</ul>Looking at everything I need, and want, to do can be overwhelming. The first few times I visited my home before moving back in, all I could see were all the things that needed to be done, everything that had been neglected for years. It was daunting. It felt as if were standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest, armed with only a day's worth of food and a hiking stick. What the hell was I thinking?!<br />
<br />
The only way to approach everything, though, is to take it one step at a time. So, one of the first things I did was I cleaned out the foyer closet so I would have a place to put my knitting. From there, I started doing little things, like tossing out the old, mismatched plastic storage containers that filled my cupboards. The other day, I went to Lowes and bought new cabinets for my bathrooms and even hung one up. I also got paint samples and put a few shades on the wall to see how they looked.<br />
<br />
With just one small step at a time, I'm sure I can get through my list. The only problem is that I keep finding more things to add to it!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-54851229750335348872011-04-12T06:00:00.043-04:002011-04-12T06:00:18.490-04:00Morning Challenges<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIy9b2fokvHlDgvPEg14WOSgAzIl2MFX8XxN3oTP4wSjdaMQYPBpF5H282DDjRez-PvTrmjrJFzMR8UYZcuhiyZNTL1RS2DqKmsIkHfPxSt6wnu1d5eQ7b45Vgq4S6yrubjqwC26cmA3c/s1600/72453_time_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIy9b2fokvHlDgvPEg14WOSgAzIl2MFX8XxN3oTP4wSjdaMQYPBpF5H282DDjRez-PvTrmjrJFzMR8UYZcuhiyZNTL1RS2DqKmsIkHfPxSt6wnu1d5eQ7b45Vgq4S6yrubjqwC26cmA3c/s1600/72453_time_2.jpg" /></a>I've started getting a routine down now that I'm home. I work until around 5pm and then on my way home I'll stop off if I need anything from the store. Once I'm home, I change out of my work clothes and take the dogs for a walk. We've been exploring different sections of a trail near the home. Once our walk is over, I make myself something for dinner and watch one show off the DVR. I try to keep active for the rest of the evening, cleaning the house, doing projects or whatever. Then I'll feed the animals and head up to bed, do a few crosswords and maybe read a little before heading to bed.<br />
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My ideal morning routine would be to get up, walk the dogs, feed the animals, shower and then get to work, however that's not how it's been going. Instead, I just keep hitting that snooze button until I end up having to rush to shower, dress, put on makeup, get the pets fed and get to work on time.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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I have no idea why I'm not a morning person. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get up and do stuff after having slept 7-8 hours. However, that damn snooze button sucks me in every time. I wish I could figure out how to disable it, so I wouldn't even have the option. Often, I'm not even aware of how many times I've hit it. I'll remember hitting it once and suddenly I realize that it's been 50 minutes since my alarm first went off!<br />
<br />
There are lots of suggestions out there on how to become a morning person.<br />
<ul><li>Put the alarm far away from your bed - done that. I still get up, go over, hit snooze, go lay down and repeat ad nauseam.</li>
<li>Get an alarm clock that plays music instead of beeps - yeah, but I can still hit the snooze button</li>
<li>Get an alarm clock that has a built in light that slowly increases until it's brightest when it's time to get up - super annoying for anyone else in bed who doesn't have to get up when I do</li>
<li>Don't hit snooze but go straight into the shower (or eat, or stretch, or a million other ideas) - but what about the fact that I don't even realize I'm up and hitting the snooze button?!</li>
</ul>I'm going to try another letter to myself. The first one I wrote was all about why I should get up and go to work. However, I am doing that. I just need to get up earlier. Here are some things I'm thinking about putting in my new letter.<br />
<ul><li>I should get up now so I can walk the dogs - good for them and good for me!</li>
<li>I should get up now so I don't have to rush to get ready</li>
<li>I should not hit snooze because the extra 10 minutes doesn't really help.</li>
<li>I should not hit snooze because it keeps waking my girlfriend up.</li>
</ul>I'm sure I'll come up with some more, but that's a good starting place. Let's see if it works!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-50425649482399133772011-04-11T06:00:00.006-04:002011-04-11T06:00:15.696-04:00Depression and the People Around Us<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLGEVTlQOXsURJxJHi4URL2mQ0cGmFqS_l6edy6GWWqFZhhyphenhyphen3T0mrcno_y68HPWEQgDr3xy5u9zfeToIAc1vL08B7N8KDfjoEZabbAJIlFGhvqIKautMgd38Pi_FFAN1eBsBxiWTv6QEk/s1600/300088_drink_up_and_deep_coffee_cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLGEVTlQOXsURJxJHi4URL2mQ0cGmFqS_l6edy6GWWqFZhhyphenhyphen3T0mrcno_y68HPWEQgDr3xy5u9zfeToIAc1vL08B7N8KDfjoEZabbAJIlFGhvqIKautMgd38Pi_FFAN1eBsBxiWTv6QEk/s1600/300088_drink_up_and_deep_coffee_cup.jpg" /></a>Relationships bring out strong emotions in all of us, but what about those of us dealing with depression? I would assume that in every relationship people experience highs and lows, but maybe not to the degree a depressed person does. To me, every high feels like walking in the clouds, and every low feels likes walking through fire.<br />
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The past month has been focused on me and my recovery. Everything I do, I do selfishly, because I need to focus on myself, love myself and care for myself. Unfortunately, being selfish is not conducive to healthy relationships. Focusing too much on me means that other people get left out of my thoughts.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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This, of course, leads to hurt feelings and discussions about those hurt feelings, but those discussions easily upset me. It's so easy to slide back into the thoughts abut what a terrible person I am. "Why am I being so selfish. I should think about her feelings, too. Why didn't I do that? I'm so horrible that I didn't think of her in all of this."<br />
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However, I do need to be a bit selfish in order to keep getting better. Working on myself is not an overnight fix. In the end, I just have to apologize and learn from my mistakes.<br />
<br />
Going forward, I need to think at least a little bit about what I'm doing and how it does impact the people around me. If I want to organize the house and put things in new places, I need to let everyone know what I'm planning and give them a heads up!<br />
<br />
It's hard, though, when the mood strikes and I just want to do a spur of the moment project. Unfortunately, there may be times when they get home and find things a little different. I can only hope that they can see why I did it and can enjoy a more organized, clutter free home!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-76778871977906502142011-04-08T06:00:00.002-04:002011-04-08T06:00:04.646-04:00Building Self-Esteem<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHabVJe8MKZFtjfQpMTXdbqU6ygNYuXEabNpqKGVS_C2Qmw9r0YQFAPA5PsYqdq968t1U-AdZqUH4Sz2pZMrHm-3GWIGZuR8jdwBdGg1Rp1WFr97gvkrXFmrXk_ET5-_cGjcwBFYepjmA/s1600/54686_pen_and_notebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHabVJe8MKZFtjfQpMTXdbqU6ygNYuXEabNpqKGVS_C2Qmw9r0YQFAPA5PsYqdq968t1U-AdZqUH4Sz2pZMrHm-3GWIGZuR8jdwBdGg1Rp1WFr97gvkrXFmrXk_ET5-_cGjcwBFYepjmA/s1600/54686_pen_and_notebook.jpg" /></a></div>For the past few years, I have had a folder in my inbox where I put any emails that contain compliments or thanks. I haven't ever looked back into it, but I know it's there, waiting for the right time. I also have a few thank you notes and hand-written "kudos" hiding in my desk at work.<br />
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I've decided to take all of these little gems and put them into one place. That way, when I'm feeling down, I can go there and find something that will help life my spirits.<br />
<br />
I got a nice spiral bound notebook from Borders and it's got some pockets and see-through pages interspersed throughout the pages. That way I can take some of the hand written notes and put them in there, but I can also transcribe the emails onto the pages.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll take a look at it every morning, or those mornings where I just don't want to get up and go. Or maybe I'll look at it every night. Either way, I think that having a little haven for these positive tidbits will help me feel better about myself.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-4156335278424425542011-04-07T06:00:00.001-04:002011-04-07T06:00:09.339-04:00Every Night, Thank Yourself<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW6_ZB9ZTPbwnp1R5XBBOoPZXM_GufSnfksT1gLgvrW8tidINOIvvZzGUB-256vvrmv6jF9pMOBifR_7bAI-eCzEcY0rFUjl2GZoj2JD8GXNgtPe5l5CN4vhwCj6NQfNrn3HZYNZt_fRc/s1600/1101777_sticky_notes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW6_ZB9ZTPbwnp1R5XBBOoPZXM_GufSnfksT1gLgvrW8tidINOIvvZzGUB-256vvrmv6jF9pMOBifR_7bAI-eCzEcY0rFUjl2GZoj2JD8GXNgtPe5l5CN4vhwCj6NQfNrn3HZYNZt_fRc/s1600/1101777_sticky_notes.jpg" /></a>Got this wonderful idea from my best friend, who happens to also be battling with depression right now.<br />
<br />
<u>Every night, thank yourself for doing something healthy or positive that you did that day.</u><br />
<br />
When my friend first suggested this to me, I immediately started thinking "What in hell would I thank myself for?" From her examples, and a little but more of my own soul searching, I realized that they don't need to be huge things. Just one small thing every day is more than enough.<br />
<br />
Looking back on the past few days, here are some things that I thank myself for:<br />
<ul><li>Thank you for getting up and going to the psychiatrist. I really needed that appointment to get help with the problems my insurance company is giving me about increasing my Lexapro dosage.</li>
<li>Thank you for eating three meals a day. It's nice to not have to be hungry all throughout the work day.</li>
<li>Thank you for taking the time to dress up. I got lots of nice compliments and I felt better about myself during the day.</li>
<li>Thank you for opening up to my friend today. It got things off my chest, let them know what has been going on with me and meant that I got hugs. Hugs always make me feel good.</li>
</ul>As I've mentioned before, I'm really loving routines, so I'm adding this one to my nightly routine!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-86874245767492422862011-04-06T06:00:00.008-04:002011-04-06T06:00:01.127-04:00Out of the Darkness<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpi9nvSHqeZk655kzwgUcvoPwSGX3CqdnP_lQML3pRdJW4WyPl5cn8_XhGqb9BT8uHc7eejGeF4jH-PrORXdL62MP1Ss6K9GWVe5z55EZifav8Msi2ncpWeD9jAPjCYHlWfDNhd6YK6iA/s1600/logo_overnight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpi9nvSHqeZk655kzwgUcvoPwSGX3CqdnP_lQML3pRdJW4WyPl5cn8_XhGqb9BT8uHc7eejGeF4jH-PrORXdL62MP1Ss6K9GWVe5z55EZifav8Msi2ncpWeD9jAPjCYHlWfDNhd6YK6iA/s1600/logo_overnight.jpg" /></a>Thank you to one of my friends who brought my attention to this: <a href="http://www.theovernight.org/">AFSP's Overnight Walk.</a><br />
<br />
With it being only 2 months away, I can't go to NYC to participate this year, but I'm really interested in walking in my local one in the fall. Plus, I can start training and planning for next year! I'm so glad that there are people out there that have made it a priority to bring suicide and depression into the light.<br />
<br />
Here are some facts from their site:<br />
<ul><li>Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and young adults</li>
<li>Every 16 minutes someone dies by suicide in the US.</li>
<li>Depression is the leading cause of suicide.</li>
<li>Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and young adults.</li>
</ul>I am not walking in the event that is currently featured on their home page, but if you are interested in making any donations to the cause - Proceeds from the Out of the Darkness Overnight will help distribute AFSP’s new educational film on teen depression titled More Than Sad: Teen Depression. Learn more and make a donation at <a href="http://www.theovernight.org/">www.theovernight.org</a>Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-2574572864925363262011-04-05T06:00:00.000-04:002011-04-05T06:00:00.698-04:00Going Back Home?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHS3QanZ1MesUOqw4Ttvm04x44CfyvBYX8XwaVwACipYsHST2co2QmTZZkZ_cQZQYSZ6osyOQ9wKOmIVqe6XEdSdSGBQl_2rCV4GcYN4-EUxYpkybKEo-zUVITTctoyzNjygtiEwyrzQ/s1600/1267879_house_ambient.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHS3QanZ1MesUOqw4Ttvm04x44CfyvBYX8XwaVwACipYsHST2co2QmTZZkZ_cQZQYSZ6osyOQ9wKOmIVqe6XEdSdSGBQl_2rCV4GcYN4-EUxYpkybKEo-zUVITTctoyzNjygtiEwyrzQ/s1600/1267879_house_ambient.jpg" /></a></div>Today I met with my psychiatrist. Medication-wise, I think things are going well. I've been feeling more up than down and I've only missed one day of work since I returned 20 days ago.<br />
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I can't believe it's already been 22 days since I got out of the hospital!<br />
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Because I've been doing well and taking care of myself, showing up to work and not having any suicidal thoughts, she asked when I thought I'd be moving back home.<br />
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Ummmm....<br />
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20 says might seem like a lot for some people, but it seems like such a small drop in the bucket to me. Sure, I might be ok moving back home now, but I can't really predict. Will I go back to old habits when I'm back in the same place where I originated those habits? Will I feel overwhelmed by the simple things like cleaning the house and taking care of the pets?<br />
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I really have no way to predict, and that scares me. I could be fine, or I could spiral back down again. Where I am now, there's routine galore, but at home, there is no routine. I'll have to make my own, and it will be hard to adhere to when nobody else is following routines.<br />
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Plus, what will I do when nobody is home? Where I am now, people are around almost every evening. That's not true at my home. People are off to school or work at all hours of the day and night. Will I be productive while they're gone or will I just sit in front of the television and avoid life?<br />
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I guess the only way to know the answers to any of my questions is to give it a try. Over the next few days I'm going to start mentally preparing myself and then make the move. Let's see how it goes!Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-15665736753993068392011-04-04T06:00:00.029-04:002011-04-04T06:00:02.201-04:00Health Care Challenges<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimZa1zN55X6eNOtLqHDrgBeZpavkqjTUDpVJdRkcoO_DjhV5iD13sYJGSqaK5reJCqljO1gZuQkwQZA06liZuA4ynz0D11c0NPMX3QcR6grqcIqbSEss86xZeBuMEmsJlRdYCh40AKXzM/s1600/dollars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimZa1zN55X6eNOtLqHDrgBeZpavkqjTUDpVJdRkcoO_DjhV5iD13sYJGSqaK5reJCqljO1gZuQkwQZA06liZuA4ynz0D11c0NPMX3QcR6grqcIqbSEss86xZeBuMEmsJlRdYCh40AKXzM/s1600/dollars.jpg" /></a></div>Many days it takes a forklift of will to get out of bed, let alone run errands. Today I went to the pharmacy to get a refill of one medication and drop off a prescription to increase the dose of another medication. Instead of simply dropping of the prescription, waiting 20 minutes and leaving with both of my meds, it took me an hour and I only got one of them.<br />
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My health insurance sucks, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. For some reason, if my doctor wants to increase the dose of one of my medications, it takes an arm, a leg and my unborn first child to get the damn medication. As if my life wasn't hard enough, my insurance has started requiring pre-approvals from the doctor anytime I need to increase medication.<br />
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Why the hell can the health insurance companies do this to us? The doctor wrote the prescription. That should be good enough. Why does the doctor then have to call up to the insurance company to say "Yes, that's what I wrote the prescription for" so that I can get my medication?<br />
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Well, it's not that they won't let me get it. They just won't pay for it. The health insurance company wanted me to pay $50 for 31 pills today, and then pay another $50 dollars for another 31 pills in 3 weeks when I run out. (I need 45 pills a month, not 31) Thankfully, I'm smart enough to know that if I wait a day or two for my doctor to send the pre-approval, then I can pay $50 and get all 45 pills.<br />
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Are there people out there that just roll over and do what the insurance company says? In this example, if I get my pre-approval through, I end up paying $600 a year for my prescription. If I did what the insurance company wanted me to do, I would end up paying around $913 for the year. Gee, I wonder why they want to give me a hard time?<br />
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But in all seriousness, I lost it at the pharmacy. In the back of my head I wanted to say "they increased my medication because I almost killed myself the other week. Just figure it the heck out and give it to me!" Of course, I bit my tongue because the sweet lady at the counter had nothing to do it.<br />
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In the end, I'm sure it will all work out. My doctor is great and I'm sure she'll get this straightened out. Plus, as my girlfriend pointed out, now I know to automatically ask my doctor to send in a pre-approval when she increases my medication. But, I'm still not thrilled with my health insurance company. Maybe I'll let my HR department know how many problems they've given me over the past year and see if they can give us the option of signing up with another health care provider next year.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-68440606102577768032011-04-01T06:00:00.000-04:002011-04-01T06:00:04.817-04:00Motivation - It's Got To Come From Within<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHF0PPa8Py6eOfVDCtKMIdU2RZVxt0ZJjAiH366AHnLHj_pAAci-Jdb26Z4L-s9FOTO0upCUr0jP1qeB0Uuj17uUUdIJfGlgff94ggUlu3kWGKnnuHbc-_eYbTmjwp0emVm7hIdr3JtQ/s1600/895787___lamp__.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHF0PPa8Py6eOfVDCtKMIdU2RZVxt0ZJjAiH366AHnLHj_pAAci-Jdb26Z4L-s9FOTO0upCUr0jP1qeB0Uuj17uUUdIJfGlgff94ggUlu3kWGKnnuHbc-_eYbTmjwp0emVm7hIdr3JtQ/s1600/895787___lamp__.jpg" /></a>If there was a pill for motivation, I'd buy a lifetime supply. I often have ideas of what I'd like to do, but without motivation, they remain just that - ideas.<br />
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I've often tried to get help from my friends and family to replace my motivation. The idea of having to answer to someone makes me think that I'll be able to get my ass in gear. If they're cheering me on, depending on me, then maybe I'll just do it after all.<br />
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Here's an example - I have a real hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. It's so bad that I've missed a lot of work and there have been consequences. In an effort to break this cycle, I've asked roommates or significant others to knock on my door or call me and wake me up.<br />
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For the first few days, it works, but as time goes on, I start resenting them. I even start lying. I'll answer the phone and say <i>Yup, I'm getting up,</i> but then hang up the phone and not get up. Then, later in the day when they ask me how work went, I'm stuck with either admitting that I lied or continuing the lie and saying that work was good.<br />
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No matter what permutations of this exercise I've tried, it never ends up working in the long haul. <b>The only way for me to really be motivated is if I want it.</b><br />
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Depending on myself for my own motivation sucks, because how can I motivate myself if I have no motivation? It reminds me of a snake eating it's own tail, an effort in futility. But, at least I've learned that I can't rely on other people to motivate me. It's got to come from within.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-80615753911110414952011-03-31T06:00:00.000-04:002011-03-31T06:00:06.707-04:00Fuzz Therapy<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhheVWR2PiDrWVeCJ-ecilq8uOuvr1A2ekXbjY1xJzgvUlWFRc9f4dBlvcK2-ZQk2H3Zl2WYB5sYADsTkIvVd3HFlU9dStjbhs32BPLB64gJ2-P8E21HNPendxqX8Z553rj-ziOt41zak8/s1600/adjusted.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhheVWR2PiDrWVeCJ-ecilq8uOuvr1A2ekXbjY1xJzgvUlWFRc9f4dBlvcK2-ZQk2H3Zl2WYB5sYADsTkIvVd3HFlU9dStjbhs32BPLB64gJ2-P8E21HNPendxqX8Z553rj-ziOt41zak8/s320/adjusted.jpg" width="320" /></a>One thing that never fails to cheer me up is animals, especially my own. When I'm feeling down, there's nothing better than cuddling with a warm, purring cat. I call it Fuzz Therapy.<br />
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Animals have such simple lives. I want to be a cat in my next life, lying in sunbeams and sleeping all day. Plus, nobody minds if you're overweight. (Although, we do call my fat cat some silly nicknames. She doesn't understand we're making fun of her weight.)<br />
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They are so easily entertained. Dangling a ribbon for one of my cats makes her fight so hard to catch it that she actually snorts! My dog loves if you cover her head with a blanket. She turns into my "Bed Shark," biting at the covers, chasing hands and feet.<br />
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I think animals have a sixth sense that tells them exactly when we need some fuzz therapy. As a young child, anytime I out sick from school, our cat would curl up with me on the couch. These days, my dog will come cuddle with me and a cat will perch nearby. I wonder if they have any idea how much they help.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-87141536238533392802011-03-30T12:00:00.003-04:002011-03-30T12:00:09.550-04:00To Hide or Not to Hide?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji1urRmiThtfy2XFty0aznkxIFsNkfWoXhM1iBPGylfEilONkhJUHjAsodkh_R61CHHSuHmn0ZCsn26Ey69AI3WqEP27Vl3vn1bsJckFZRPp_6ivx0dLDW9RZMJ4F6la2drPNPXbOqGP4/s1600/1255557_toby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji1urRmiThtfy2XFty0aznkxIFsNkfWoXhM1iBPGylfEilONkhJUHjAsodkh_R61CHHSuHmn0ZCsn26Ey69AI3WqEP27Vl3vn1bsJckFZRPp_6ivx0dLDW9RZMJ4F6la2drPNPXbOqGP4/s1600/1255557_toby.jpg" /></a>I've been working on this blog for a few days, writing posts that will automatically post in the coming days and registering my blog on free search engines. However, I haven't shared it with any of my friends or family.<br />
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I'm afraid that if I let them read my posts that they'll think I'm being hypocritical, or that they will think that I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I'm afraid of their criticism, afraid of disappointing them. What if they think I'm a fraud?<br />
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I've never been very open about my depression before. When people ask how I'm doing, I'll respond "I'm ok," or "I'm fine." Nobody <b>really</b> wants to know how I'm doing. Or, if they do, I don't want to tell them because there's really nothing that they can do to help.<br />
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But, my family and friends are my support system, so I probably should share my blog with them. Even though their advice or criticisms might be a hard pill to swallow, I need to be challenged right now. I need to know the things that I can't see in myself.<br />
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I know for sure that my mom will read my posts. She's always been there for me, in the front row, cheering me on. I already mentioned to her that I was working on a blog, so I think she'll be the first one I'll tell. Then, maybe I can start opening up to more people after that.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-36545978204935805412011-03-29T12:00:00.001-04:002011-03-29T12:00:10.020-04:00Getting Better Is Hard Work<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbGwnI3mXRU73ec2nn2E5DG-9zsF7QPonmdGBe-7KcVD9Xb3ENPPwrEaAJGDKVL6o9IHlyJOAUdHP8OA_HFH7SJQI-bLDzYjaYdua9_NxvWMiXYem1sZww4SQG2cItZLd_eUu_6Gs7SU/s1600/955951_study.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbGwnI3mXRU73ec2nn2E5DG-9zsF7QPonmdGBe-7KcVD9Xb3ENPPwrEaAJGDKVL6o9IHlyJOAUdHP8OA_HFH7SJQI-bLDzYjaYdua9_NxvWMiXYem1sZww4SQG2cItZLd_eUu_6Gs7SU/s1600/955951_study.jpg" /></a></div>Knowing that something is good for you and actually doing it are two different things.<br />
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Perfect examples - Exercise. Going to the dentist. We know that these things are good for us, but many of us don't want to do them, and I'm no different. I don't have any logical reasons not to, but I just don't want to.<br />
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I have tips galore from friends and family about how to cope with my depression. I've even come up with a bunch on my own. However, putting them into action can be really tough. Even the smallest things can seem so overwhelming. Like I've said before, I have a hard time remembering to brush my teeth every day, let alone do the hard work of trying to have a better life.<br />
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Sometimes it's just so much easier to sit around and watch TV, surf the internet and do some crossword puzzles. (I can spend hours on my laptop playing Farmville and Cityville.) To anyone who's not dealing with severe depression, that might sound like the perfect relaxing evening. However, I've got work to do. I need to figure out how to get my ass into gear and start living life again.<br />
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I went out and bought a workbook which aims to help me develop self-love and positive thinking. I've picked it up more than once. I've even read everything up to the first exercise and I've skimmed the questions I need to answer truthfully to myself. But, I just can't pick up a pencil and actually <b>do it.</b><br />
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When looking at a task I can easily get overwhelmed. Doing the first exercise in this book won't be the end of it. There's all these other exercises to do after that! I've looked ahead and some of them are frightening to me - self-worth, deserving, facing my fears. Some things look completely silly - Talking to your inner child, saying things out loud to yourself when you look in a mirror.<br />
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But, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can make this work. If I don't want to change, I can keep doing what I'm doing. However, I've seen where that leads and I don't want to go back there. I guess I'll just have to accept that sometimes I might take the day off from my "recovery." Just because I don't work on it for a day or two doesn't mean I can't start it back up again.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-32400028057800457082011-03-28T12:00:00.000-04:002011-03-28T12:00:05.783-04:00When Will The Other Shoe Drop?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQL2MzT62YpKoII-u4SIvTemlwtoUvtHP7QRYFPKApCyQkKbDDrbVbtXe8aHJKWIZQTZV9lAQMK8F7-pbX8zU-QzQ6Kl2RFCiYiWUTdgyQfjIYCGxd1Vf5DFc1F3xwKpxXZwBQuukY98Q/s1600/782175_hourglass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQL2MzT62YpKoII-u4SIvTemlwtoUvtHP7QRYFPKApCyQkKbDDrbVbtXe8aHJKWIZQTZV9lAQMK8F7-pbX8zU-QzQ6Kl2RFCiYiWUTdgyQfjIYCGxd1Vf5DFc1F3xwKpxXZwBQuukY98Q/s1600/782175_hourglass.jpg" /></a></div>It's now been exactly 2 weeks since I was released from the hospital after overdosing on painkillers and sedatives. The first few days were brutal. I was released into the care of my mother. Imagine, 30 years old and going back home to live with mom while I sorted things out! But, it was the best option I had. The thought of going back to my home and my old routine was crushingly overwhelming.<br />
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After around 7 days, things started to look up. Each morning got a little easier. Going to work wasn't as terrifying as it used to be and I was enjoying the pace of life at my mother's home. I started making little steps in the right direction - giving myself time in the morning so I wouldn't feel rushed, taking pride in my appearance, and doing my own laundry and grocery shopping..<br />
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However, there's this nagging worry that keeps tugging at mind - This seems too good to be true. When will the other shoe drop?<br />
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I'm not naive to the fact that my depression will come back. <u>It will.</u> I have no doubts about it. I have reconciled with myself that this will be a lifelong struggle. The only questions are: <i>When will it happen? H</i><i>ow bad it will be?</i><br />
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Whenever these questions surface in my conscious mind, I answer as best as I can - <i>I don't know, so what's the use in worrying about it?</i><br />
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In the end, there's nothing I can do about it. What will happen is anyone's guess. But, if I at least know that it will happen, I can do my best to build up my support systems and try to change my ways of thinking. That way, maybe I can make sure that next time won't be <i>as</i> bad as this time.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-41130964182409718952011-03-25T12:00:00.003-04:002011-03-25T12:00:05.484-04:00Let People Know What's Going On<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSTHnsIug-Ku8APJ5nP9YdIhCv7acSNajzHYK7wS1wY1LY4zRwkfsX2bTG57Akfxrhi7fD_ilDlmr29AG8DOka_9JItoR6l0X6Bv5qt_8Zvzwm2JOMxeOoEiqoGy3pnS7u6IpRAgLJVuM/s1600/cathug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSTHnsIug-Ku8APJ5nP9YdIhCv7acSNajzHYK7wS1wY1LY4zRwkfsX2bTG57Akfxrhi7fD_ilDlmr29AG8DOka_9JItoR6l0X6Bv5qt_8Zvzwm2JOMxeOoEiqoGy3pnS7u6IpRAgLJVuM/s320/cathug.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>I've always been ashamed of my depression. Mental health issues have such a stigma that it makes it hard to even reach out for help. I was depressed for years without saying anything because I was afraid I'd get locked up in the psych unit.<br />
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One of the best things that happened in my life was to finally tell someone. It was one morning about 4 years ago. I had been crying since I woke up and my roommate told me to call my doctor. I got an appointment to see the assistant. I shrunk down in the passenger seat of the car as my roommate drove me there and I broke down crying when the PA asked me what was wrong.<br />
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What could I say? How could I describe the oppressive weight of everyday life, the emotional roller coaster, the crying jags. I didn't even know why I was crying. I just felt horrible and I wanted it to stop.<br />
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Everyone at the office was so kind and understanding. They didn't treat me like a leper, but instead they gave me knowing smiles and pats on the arm. With words of encouragement, a prescription for Paxil and the name of a therapist, I left the office with the sense that there might just be a way out of this after all.<br />
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Sometimes it's hard to tell people, especially because they start asking "Oh, honey. What can I do for you? How can I help?" What do you say to that? It's not like they can whip out a magic wand and make it go away. I usually end up just asking for a hug, because those always make me feel a little better, even if just for a moment.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-61990597077348985172011-03-24T12:00:00.002-04:002011-03-24T12:00:14.173-04:00Taking Pride In Yourself<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi40XbHgKrdQYnRpzMn1RHi3b6Zj80b3i2gDzRhhO86M8uE4wr9LQeAbIjF2WDBxvAsW_4s0bgitI9ehp0Hbta-G0-dZVdGd7RX-UeEmBpfUqP6aDNNNlYAscBwTOmnoDwIGlT97LbdvRM/s1600/565138_wedding_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi40XbHgKrdQYnRpzMn1RHi3b6Zj80b3i2gDzRhhO86M8uE4wr9LQeAbIjF2WDBxvAsW_4s0bgitI9ehp0Hbta-G0-dZVdGd7RX-UeEmBpfUqP6aDNNNlYAscBwTOmnoDwIGlT97LbdvRM/s320/565138_wedding_2.jpg" width="320" /></a>When I'm depressed, one of the first things I start to slack off on is taking care of myself. I stop going to the doctor for routine appointments; I don't bother wearing makeup; My finger and toenails go ages without trimming or filing; Shaving seems harder than just covering up; Brushing my teeth doesn't even enter my mind most mornings as I'm trying to rush out the door to work.<br />
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I'm sure that a lot of people would attribute this to laziness or lack of personal hygiene, however I <b>know</b> that I should be caring about these things. It's just that, for whatever reason, they stop occurring to me. I'll go weeks without clipping my toenails, and the only reason I'll end up taking care of it is because I've started to scratch myself with my own nails! Up until I notice that it's become a problem, it wasn't even on my radar.<br />
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With therapy and the support of those around me, I'm coming to realize that I just don't like myself. Once I see it that way, it makes perfect sense that I'm not taking care of myself. It's like having a car that you really hate. Are you going to go to a lot of trouble to change the oil, make sure it's spotless and in perfect working condition? Or, will you just do the bare minimum until you can afford a better car?<br />
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Unfortunately for us, we can't just save up our pennies and buy another body. This is the only one we've got! That's why I've started to take tiny steps every day to start caring about myself again. While I may still have a lot of unresolved self-hatred lurking beneath the surface, if I can at least start on the outside and feel good about that, the rest will come.<br />
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Here are some examples of small steps I've started taking in the past few days to help feel better about myself.<br />
<ul><li>Brush my teeth in the morning and the evening</li>
<li>Eat three meals a day</li>
<li>Get at least 8 hours of sleep</li>
<li>Put on a pair of earrings before leaving the house</li>
<li>Apply mascara and lipstick</li>
</ul>Already I feel a difference when I leave the house. Before, where I might have been anxious about the plaque on my teeth or how my eyes look shitty without any makeup, now I don't have those self-depricating thoughts. Instead, I feel a small amount of pride in myself and feel more confident presenting myself to the world. Plus, it's much easier to smile when you're not worried about how your teeth look.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2236857165610607723.post-1890952883607702722011-03-23T12:00:00.003-04:002011-03-24T13:00:48.812-04:00Acting "As If"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheA72F51GNxmLPTI4f_7iBXDCDQ5Cn2t-UrepXvU3JgQxJIZT0K2US4JdYYj9Ym4comr7DUKqjjJcI3Xz2Xnmb7G0VcEKbm7lU7_qU1JovvvDFX8_W8SmfrrPDplY_NXgznEc_2isOJYE/s1600/1067471_smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheA72F51GNxmLPTI4f_7iBXDCDQ5Cn2t-UrepXvU3JgQxJIZT0K2US4JdYYj9Ym4comr7DUKqjjJcI3Xz2Xnmb7G0VcEKbm7lU7_qU1JovvvDFX8_W8SmfrrPDplY_NXgznEc_2isOJYE/s1600/1067471_smile.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: right;"></div>My girlfriend has told me plenty of times that "even if you're not feeling it, act as if."<br />
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Those of us with depression know that there are those days where we're just going through the motions. But what about those days where just going through the motions is too hard, smiling feels like hypocrisy and all you want to do is crawl back inside your shell and ignore the world?<br />
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That's the time when we need to "act as if." If we go around all day perseverance on our depression, constantly thinking about just how unhappy we are, we're doing ourselves a disservice. The only thing we're going to gain from that a continuation of that state of mind.<br />
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Instead, if we just plaster on a half-hearted smile and try to pretend that life is bearable, we might just end up feeling that way at the end of the day!<br />
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Have you ever noticed that if you force yourself to smile, and keep smiling for a while, you start to feel a little happier? I think that maybe instead of mind over body, it can be body over mind!<br />
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So, next time you find yourself stuck in that rut, try acting as if. Pretend that you're an actor and you're playing the part of the class clown, the office joker or the sweet girl-next-door. Whatever part you end up playing might just end up subtly changing your mood for the better.Alyssa Vaiseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16299403977145372296noreply@blogger.com1