Losing Momentum

This week I feel like I'm starting to lose ground, that I'm walking in stilettos on a cobblestone road. I'm still upright, but things are shaky.

I haven't been as productive as I was last week. Maybe I wore myself out? I've still been pretty good at getting home and taking the dogs for a walk, but I've spent a little more time in front of the TV than I'd like, and I haven't touched the bathroom project again.

There was one day where I could not get going. I didn't follow any of my back-up plans - reading my letter, or jumping in the shower and then deciding what to do with my day. Instead, I hit snooze and ignored life.

I feel like I had a month of sobriety and then I just took a drink; I'm back to square one.

The Problem With Anti Depressants

I have struggled a lot over the years to find the right mixture of anti depressants that will help me get up off the floor. I would take one and think that it was a great improvement, only to realize later that it was only helping me sit up. After a year of thinking that was as good as it was gonna get, I'd get tired of still having symptoms and go back to the doctor. Eventually, I advanced to crawling, and a bit of walking. However, a small stumble would bring me flat down on my face and it took a long time to brush myself off and get back up again.

I'd like to think that right now I'm at the waking stage again, in heels, even, and I'm doing pretty good. There might be a little wobble here and there, but I haven't rolled my ankle yet. Then again, I'm not running any marathons, either.

When Will The Other Shoe Drop?

It's now been exactly 2 weeks since I was released from the hospital after overdosing on painkillers and sedatives. The first few days were brutal. I was released into the care of my mother. Imagine, 30 years old and going back home to live with mom while I sorted things out! But, it was the best option I had. The thought of going back to my home and my old routine was crushingly overwhelming.

After around 7 days, things started to look up. Each morning got a little easier. Going to work wasn't as terrifying as it used to be and I was enjoying the pace of life at my mother's home. I started making little steps in the right direction - giving myself time in the morning so I wouldn't feel rushed, taking pride in my appearance,  and doing my own laundry and grocery shopping..

However, there's this nagging worry that keeps tugging at mind - This seems too good to be true. When will the other shoe drop?