Living Alone

It's been years since I've had my house all to myself. After my divorce, I was alone for a while but then brought on a roommate who mostly kept to his bedroom. He ended up moving out of state and then a bit later my then-boyfriend moved in. While we were together, we got a third roommate, who then left after graduating college. When we broke up, he still needed a place to live, so he stayed on but with his own bedroom. A year or so ago, a friend of ours needed a new place to stay, so he rented one of the bedrooms. This past fall, though, I asked him to move out so that my girlfriend could move in.

So, if you couldn't follow all of that back and forth, suffice it to say I haven't lived alone for more than a year, and it wasn't all in one continuous stretch.

Therapy - What Do I Need?

Over the past few years I've been to two different therapists. I stared seeing each of them while I was deep down in my depression. Once they saw that I was happier and less stressed out, they started saying things like "I think we can go longer in between sessions," or "Do you think you still need to see me?"

I'm still not sure, though, that I've really tackled the issues that contribute to my depression. Even though I'm currently feeling better about myself, my tendency towards self hatred implies that I need to work on my self-image and self-worth. I still get into situations where I take on more than I should, either because I feel like I can't say "No" or because I genuinely think that I can handle it (but then it turns out I can't.) Plus, I'm sure that I've got some codependency issues floating around in the mix.

Every Night, Thank Yourself

Got this wonderful idea from my best friend, who happens to also be battling with depression right now.

Every night, thank yourself for doing something healthy or positive that you did that day.

When my friend first suggested this to me, I immediately started thinking "What in hell would I thank myself for?" From her examples, and a little but more of my own soul searching, I realized that they don't need to be huge things. Just one small thing every day is more than enough.

Looking back on the past few days, here are some things that I thank myself for:

• Thank you for getting up and going to the psychiatrist. I really needed that appointment to get help with the problems my insurance company is giving me about increasing my Lexapro dosage.
• Thank you for eating three meals a day. It's nice to not have to be hungry all throughout the work day.
• Thank you for taking the time to dress up. I got lots of nice compliments and I felt better about myself during the day.
• Thank you for opening up to my friend today. It got things off my chest, let them know what has been going on with me and meant that I got hugs. Hugs always make me feel good.

As I've mentioned before, I'm really loving routines, so I'm adding this one to my nightly routine!

Out of the Darkness

Thank you to one of my friends who brought my attention to this: AFSP's Overnight Walk.

With it being only 2 months away, I can't go to NYC to participate this year, but I'm really interested in walking in my local one in the fall. Plus, I can start training and planning for next year! I'm so glad that there are people out there that have made it a priority to bring suicide and depression into the light.

Here are some facts from their site:

• Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and young adults
• Every 16 minutes someone dies by suicide in the US.
• Depression is the leading cause of suicide.
• Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and young adults.

I am not walking in the event that is currently featured on their home page, but if you are interested in making any donations to the cause - Proceeds from the Out of the Darkness Overnight will help distribute AFSP’s new educational film on teen depression titled More Than Sad: Teen Depression. Learn more and make a donation at www.theovernight.org

Motivation - It's Got To Come From Within

If there was a pill for motivation, I'd buy a lifetime supply. I often have ideas of what I'd like to do, but without motivation, they remain just that - ideas.

I've often tried to get help from my friends and family to replace my motivation. The idea of having to answer to someone makes me think that I'll be able to get my ass in gear. If they're cheering me on, depending on me, then maybe I'll just do it after all.

Here's an example - I have a real hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. It's so bad that I've missed a lot of work and there have been consequences. In an effort to break this cycle, I've asked roommates or significant others to knock on my door or call me and wake me up.

Let People Know What's Going On

I've always been ashamed of my depression. Mental health issues have such a stigma that it makes it hard to even reach out for help. I was depressed for years without saying anything because I was afraid I'd get locked up in the psych unit.

One of the best things that happened in my life was to finally tell someone. It was one morning about 4 years ago. I had been crying since I woke up and my roommate told me to call my doctor. I got an appointment to see the assistant. I shrunk down in the passenger seat of the car as my roommate drove me there and I broke down crying when the PA asked me what was wrong.

What could I say? How could I describe the oppressive weight of everyday life, the emotional roller coaster, the crying jags. I didn't even know why I was crying. I just felt horrible and I wanted it to stop.