Monday, March 28, 2011

When Will The Other Shoe Drop?

It's now been exactly 2 weeks since I was released from the hospital after overdosing on painkillers and sedatives. The first few days were brutal. I was released into the care of my mother. Imagine, 30 years old and going back home to live with mom while I sorted things out! But, it was the best option I had. The thought of going back to my home and my old routine was crushingly overwhelming.

After around 7 days, things started to look up. Each morning got a little easier. Going to work wasn't as terrifying as it used to be and I was enjoying the pace of life at my mother's home. I started making little steps in the right direction - giving myself time in the morning so I wouldn't feel rushed, taking pride in my appearance,  and doing my own laundry and grocery shopping..

However, there's this nagging worry that keeps tugging at mind - This seems too good to be true. When will the other shoe drop?

I'm not naive to the fact that my depression will come back. It will. I have no doubts about it. I have reconciled with myself that this will be a lifelong struggle. The only questions are: When will it happen? How bad it will be?

Whenever these questions surface in my conscious mind, I answer as best as I can - I don't know, so what's the use in worrying about it?

In the end, there's nothing I can do about it. What will happen is anyone's guess. But, if I at least know that it will happen, I can do my best to build up my support systems and try to change my ways of thinking. That way, maybe I can make sure that next time won't be as bad as this time.

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