Therapy - What Do I Need?

Over the past few years I've been to two different therapists. I stared seeing each of them while I was deep down in my depression. Once they saw that I was happier and less stressed out, they started saying things like "I think we can go longer in between sessions," or "Do you think you still need to see me?"

I'm still not sure, though, that I've really tackled the issues that contribute to my depression. Even though I'm currently feeling better about myself, my tendency towards self hatred implies that I need to work on my self-image and self-worth. I still get into situations where I take on more than I should, either because I feel like I can't say "No" or because I genuinely think that I can handle it (but then it turns out I can't.) Plus, I'm sure that I've got some codependency issues floating around in the mix.

The Problem With Anti Depressants

I have struggled a lot over the years to find the right mixture of anti depressants that will help me get up off the floor. I would take one and think that it was a great improvement, only to realize later that it was only helping me sit up. After a year of thinking that was as good as it was gonna get, I'd get tired of still having symptoms and go back to the doctor. Eventually, I advanced to crawling, and a bit of walking. However, a small stumble would bring me flat down on my face and it took a long time to brush myself off and get back up again.

I'd like to think that right now I'm at the waking stage again, in heels, even, and I'm doing pretty good. There might be a little wobble here and there, but I haven't rolled my ankle yet. Then again, I'm not running any marathons, either.

So Much to Do!

Over the past years I've started and stopped multiple projects, put things on the back burner and just generally procrastinated about a lot of things due to my depression. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I want to tackle all of these things, but it's a lot of work!!

Here are some things that I need to do around the house:

• Patch up the pothole in the driveway
• Repair/replace the roof
• Get the nasty rugs pulled up and replace, preferably with laminate
• Replace damaged linoleum in kitchen
• Sand and repaint the deck

Morning Challenges

I've started getting a routine down now that I'm home. I work until around 5pm and then on my way home I'll stop off if I need anything from the store. Once I'm home, I change out of my work clothes and take the dogs for a walk. We've been exploring different sections of a trail near the home. Once our walk is over, I make myself something for dinner and watch one show off the DVR. I try to keep active for the rest of the evening, cleaning the house, doing projects or whatever. Then I'll feed the animals and head up to bed, do a few crosswords and maybe read a little before heading to bed.

My ideal morning routine would be to get up, walk the dogs, feed the animals, shower and then get to work, however that's not how it's been going. Instead, I just keep hitting that snooze button until I end up having to rush to shower, dress, put on makeup, get the pets fed and get to work on time.

Depression and the People Around Us

Relationships bring out strong emotions in all of us, but what about those of us dealing with depression? I would assume that in every relationship people experience highs and lows, but maybe not to the degree a depressed person does. To me, every high feels like walking in the clouds, and every low feels likes walking through fire.

The past month has been focused on me and my recovery. Everything I do, I do selfishly, because I need to focus on myself, love myself and care for myself. Unfortunately, being selfish is not conducive to healthy relationships. Focusing too much on me means that other people get left out of my thoughts.

Building Self-Esteem

For the past few years, I have had a folder in my inbox where I put any emails that contain compliments or thanks. I haven't ever looked back into it, but I know it's there, waiting for the right time. I also have a few thank you notes and hand-written "kudos" hiding in my desk at work.

I've decided to take all of these little gems and put them into one place. That way, when I'm feeling down, I can go there and find something that will help life my spirits.

I got a nice spiral bound notebook from Borders and it's got some pockets and see-through pages interspersed throughout the pages. That way I can take some of the hand written notes and put them in there, but I can also transcribe the emails onto the pages.

Maybe I'll take a look at it every morning, or those mornings where I just don't want to get up and go. Or maybe I'll look at it every night. Either way, I think that having a little haven for these positive tidbits will help me feel better about myself.

Every Night, Thank Yourself

Got this wonderful idea from my best friend, who happens to also be battling with depression right now.

Every night, thank yourself for doing something healthy or positive that you did that day.

When my friend first suggested this to me, I immediately started thinking "What in hell would I thank myself for?" From her examples, and a little but more of my own soul searching, I realized that they don't need to be huge things. Just one small thing every day is more than enough.

Looking back on the past few days, here are some things that I thank myself for:

• Thank you for getting up and going to the psychiatrist. I really needed that appointment to get help with the problems my insurance company is giving me about increasing my Lexapro dosage.
• Thank you for eating three meals a day. It's nice to not have to be hungry all throughout the work day.
• Thank you for taking the time to dress up. I got lots of nice compliments and I felt better about myself during the day.
• Thank you for opening up to my friend today. It got things off my chest, let them know what has been going on with me and meant that I got hugs. Hugs always make me feel good.

As I've mentioned before, I'm really loving routines, so I'm adding this one to my nightly routine!