Mostly Productive

Things have been going well. I'm all set to get my new floors installed the week of May 23rd. It does require some juggling of the animals to make sure the dogs won't be in their way, but it's all planned out and super easy!

Mornings haven't been perfect, but they've been much easier than ever. I've been to work on time every day and haven't been stressed out at all. It's been a little slow at work lately, so that's nice. Today was busier and I was feeling pretty tired, but I got through it, thankfully due to my lunch break.

Losing Momentum

This week I feel like I'm starting to lose ground, that I'm walking in stilettos on a cobblestone road. I'm still upright, but things are shaky.

I haven't been as productive as I was last week. Maybe I wore myself out? I've still been pretty good at getting home and taking the dogs for a walk, but I've spent a little more time in front of the TV than I'd like, and I haven't touched the bathroom project again.

There was one day where I could not get going. I didn't follow any of my back-up plans - reading my letter, or jumping in the shower and then deciding what to do with my day. Instead, I hit snooze and ignored life.

I feel like I had a month of sobriety and then I just took a drink; I'm back to square one.

So Much to Do!

Over the past years I've started and stopped multiple projects, put things on the back burner and just generally procrastinated about a lot of things due to my depression. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I want to tackle all of these things, but it's a lot of work!!

Here are some things that I need to do around the house:

• Patch up the pothole in the driveway
• Repair/replace the roof
• Get the nasty rugs pulled up and replace, preferably with laminate
• Replace damaged linoleum in kitchen
• Sand and repaint the deck

Morning Challenges

I've started getting a routine down now that I'm home. I work until around 5pm and then on my way home I'll stop off if I need anything from the store. Once I'm home, I change out of my work clothes and take the dogs for a walk. We've been exploring different sections of a trail near the home. Once our walk is over, I make myself something for dinner and watch one show off the DVR. I try to keep active for the rest of the evening, cleaning the house, doing projects or whatever. Then I'll feed the animals and head up to bed, do a few crosswords and maybe read a little before heading to bed.

My ideal morning routine would be to get up, walk the dogs, feed the animals, shower and then get to work, however that's not how it's been going. Instead, I just keep hitting that snooze button until I end up having to rush to shower, dress, put on makeup, get the pets fed and get to work on time.

Depression and the People Around Us

Relationships bring out strong emotions in all of us, but what about those of us dealing with depression? I would assume that in every relationship people experience highs and lows, but maybe not to the degree a depressed person does. To me, every high feels like walking in the clouds, and every low feels likes walking through fire.

The past month has been focused on me and my recovery. Everything I do, I do selfishly, because I need to focus on myself, love myself and care for myself. Unfortunately, being selfish is not conducive to healthy relationships. Focusing too much on me means that other people get left out of my thoughts.

Building Self-Esteem

For the past few years, I have had a folder in my inbox where I put any emails that contain compliments or thanks. I haven't ever looked back into it, but I know it's there, waiting for the right time. I also have a few thank you notes and hand-written "kudos" hiding in my desk at work.

I've decided to take all of these little gems and put them into one place. That way, when I'm feeling down, I can go there and find something that will help life my spirits.

I got a nice spiral bound notebook from Borders and it's got some pockets and see-through pages interspersed throughout the pages. That way I can take some of the hand written notes and put them in there, but I can also transcribe the emails onto the pages.

Maybe I'll take a look at it every morning, or those mornings where I just don't want to get up and go. Or maybe I'll look at it every night. Either way, I think that having a little haven for these positive tidbits will help me feel better about myself.

Every Night, Thank Yourself

Got this wonderful idea from my best friend, who happens to also be battling with depression right now.

Every night, thank yourself for doing something healthy or positive that you did that day.

When my friend first suggested this to me, I immediately started thinking "What in hell would I thank myself for?" From her examples, and a little but more of my own soul searching, I realized that they don't need to be huge things. Just one small thing every day is more than enough.

Looking back on the past few days, here are some things that I thank myself for:

• Thank you for getting up and going to the psychiatrist. I really needed that appointment to get help with the problems my insurance company is giving me about increasing my Lexapro dosage.
• Thank you for eating three meals a day. It's nice to not have to be hungry all throughout the work day.
• Thank you for taking the time to dress up. I got lots of nice compliments and I felt better about myself during the day.
• Thank you for opening up to my friend today. It got things off my chest, let them know what has been going on with me and meant that I got hugs. Hugs always make me feel good.

As I've mentioned before, I'm really loving routines, so I'm adding this one to my nightly routine!

Motivation - It's Got To Come From Within

If there was a pill for motivation, I'd buy a lifetime supply. I often have ideas of what I'd like to do, but without motivation, they remain just that - ideas.

I've often tried to get help from my friends and family to replace my motivation. The idea of having to answer to someone makes me think that I'll be able to get my ass in gear. If they're cheering me on, depending on me, then maybe I'll just do it after all.

Here's an example - I have a real hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. It's so bad that I've missed a lot of work and there have been consequences. In an effort to break this cycle, I've asked roommates or significant others to knock on my door or call me and wake me up.

Getting Better Is Hard Work

Knowing that something is good for you and actually doing it are two different things.

Perfect examples - Exercise. Going to the dentist. We know that these things are good for us, but many of us don't want to do them, and I'm no different. I don't have any logical reasons not to, but I just don't want to.

I have tips galore from friends and family about how to cope with my depression. I've even come up with a bunch on my own. However, putting them into action can be really tough. Even the smallest things can seem so overwhelming. Like I've said before, I have a hard time remembering to brush my teeth every day, let alone do the hard work of trying to have a better life.

Taking Pride In Yourself

When I'm depressed, one of the first things I start to slack off on is taking care of myself. I stop going to the doctor for routine appointments; I don't bother wearing makeup; My finger and toenails go ages without trimming or filing; Shaving seems harder than just covering up; Brushing my teeth doesn't even enter my mind most mornings as I'm trying to rush out the door to work.

I'm sure that a lot of people would attribute this to laziness or lack of personal hygiene, however I know that I should be caring about these things. It's just that, for whatever reason, they stop occurring to me. I'll go weeks without clipping my toenails, and the only reason I'll end up taking care of it is because I've started to scratch myself with my own nails! Up until I notice that it's become a problem, it wasn't even on my radar.

Acting "As If"

My girlfriend has told me plenty of times that "even if you're not feeling it, act as if."

Those of us with depression know that there are those days where we're just going through the motions. But what about those days where just going through the motions is too hard, smiling feels like hypocrisy and all you want to do is crawl back inside your shell and ignore the world?

Why Participate In Life?

For years I have been living day to day, trying to go through the motions. Every morning I would battle with myself, one part of  me knowing that I should get up and go to work, and one part of me wanting to drift back into unconsciousness where I would feel nothing. Some days the logical part of my brain would triumph, but at least one day a week I would call out sick and stay in bed for hours.

Naturally, my repeated absences had consequences at work. I was demoted from a managerial position and my hours were reduced. At first I was happier, having a lighter work load and more time for myself, but soon after the novelty wore off, I was back to the same routine. When the alarm went off, I would hit snooze over and over until I either decided to call in sick or jump in the shower and hurry out the door before I was late.